Oh my, What Not To Do…

…the first time you have sex with someone. (Warning – this is a bit of a rant)

I was dishing it with the girls again and I have to say what were we thinking? Hell, what were you thinking?

I know that there can be angst around the first time you have sex with someone even if it is a one night stand. But really now – everyone get a grip.

First off –

Sex should be fun and not riddled with angst and insecurity. If someone likes you enough to get naked with you assume that they want to be with you. Step into the moment and enjoy – leave the baggage at the door.

Second – talk!

Decide the rules beforehand.

Which means – what flavor of safe-sex are you going to have and is there anything that is completely off limits.

If you’ve been flirting for weeks you may have a pretty good idea what turns your partner on – but depending on what you want (i.e. if you want the possibility of something more long term) let things unfold at a rate that is comfortable for both parties.

And more talking...

Let things unfold – some of us prefer to get to know someone before being bound, having oral or anal sex. Don’t push. If you are meeting for something specific – a fetish or a specific flavor of sex – talk about boundaries and expectations before you get started (yes I said that before but it is worth repeating!).

Communication is the key – although notice I say communication not stage direction. We are not dolls so don’t tell anyone what to do and where to go. Talk to us – we’ll talk to you. We’ll tell you what feels good, what we enjoy and you can tell us. This way each of us can work our way through our desires and boundaries.

If you find something nice about your partner – say it. You like the feel of their skin, or the way their nipples wink at you, or the taste of them. Everyone likes complements that are sincere – so when the thought comes express it.

Next step – listen!

Listen to the change in breathing, for catch in their breath, what makes them moan, purr, or cry out. Check in to see if they are reacting to pain or pleasure – or a bit of both. If they tell you something listen, be sweet about it, be considerate, be there and nowhere else.

And save the experiments for someone you know.

I would have had a much better week, several years ago, if the man I had sex with had asked me if I’d like a regular condom or one with “warming pleasure”. I would have opted out of the lovely warm sensations that made for the most uncomfortable sex I’ve ever had. Let alone the rash that took days to heal and itched like a bitch.

It is a common myth that everyone is have more – (choose your word here) better, kinkier, outrageous, orgasmic – sex than you are. If you are thinking about that, worrying about that, I doubt very much that you are really paying attention.

When you are having great sex – you are with your partner and there is nothing else in the world that exists.

Grab the moment – talk, listen, and enjoy!

Licks!