When Things Get Personal

Hopefully no one is actually counting blog posts.

If they are I should explain.

Something wondrous has entered my life, quietly on padded feet. Just as quietly he has turned my life upside down.

I don’t like to talk about it.

I’m afraid rather than my brutal honesty you are stuck with poetic glances that side step the truth of the situation.

The blog has fallen on hard times. I know I’ve been away a lot. It’s been difficult to keep my tone light and breezy. For several months I couldn’t write abot sex… that was awkward. Then I could but I didn’t want to as I watched my private life filter into my writing.

It used to do that all the time – I’d pull from my dates, my lovers, my relationships – but now I didn’t want to. It felt like a betrayal of a trust.

Every man I’ve dated since I started writing erotica has known what they were getting into. All were curious… Some even dated me because of it…

This was different.

I’ve met someone who took the time to know me. He didn’t assume or create an idealized image that only vaguely resembled me. He didn’t pick the parts he liked and try to change those he didn’t. He lets me be nothing more, nothing less than myself. I hope I do the same.

We aren’t perfect, my love and I, but we are honest.

That’s where I’ve been. What I’ve been up to and the journey I’ve embarked on.

If, like my friend Jeff, you are worried about me walking away from the sex – don’t! I’ve found my balance again and as we speak am working on a piece that takes place in Hell. And another about a man who equates women to flowers… he like the orchids best. I just had to push myself farther into my imagination rather than culling straight from my life. It took awhile.

I’ve also started my first full length novel. We’ll see how it goes.

For now, thank you for not deserting me, all the best!

Licks!

Ex – Experiments

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Aren’t those just nine of the worst words in the English language? Sigh!

Let me state for the record that I’m not good at being friends with ex-lovers. It takes a lot of work and sometimes it simply isn’t possible.

I also like to separate my romantic life from my work life.

Okay – you can start laughing now. I know, I know, I write about sex, talk about sex, and sex is my job. But, grow up, just because I talk about sex with you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.

If I want to have sex with you… trust me you’d know.

But back to my story.

Last year a friend and I had a long discussion about whether we could be friends with our ex-lovers. Neither of us have a history of this and the few women we knew who did this tended to beat themselves up when the ex became someone else’s lover. I’ve never really thought about the fact that I just end things and move on.

So the question became, was there value in reconnecting with an ex?

(Sorry that sounds so Sex in the City…. Forgive me)

A few days later, curled up with a cocktail and my cell phone I decided to give it a try. I sent a text to several ex’s and waited to see what happened. There were a whopping three that I had kept phone numbers for so not exactly a huge sample size. Like I mentioned I tend not to keep in touch. 

• One had a happy ending – I got the apology and the closure that I never got before. Oh, how good that would have felt four years ago.
• One had a yo-yo ending – it went something like this: Let’s be friend, I can’t be friends, Let’s be friends, I can’t be friends…
• One created an interlude – we reconnected for awhile

On the whole, not a bad experiment, but then I left out the crazies, the stalkers, and the pathetic-sex-guys. Except my yo-yo. Him I’m having issues with… but apparently this is my fault.

Sigh!

I opened a door and assumptions were made about why I opened it. The fact that it was just an experiment was known only to me. Men are really simple creatures… at least most of them…. Or so I’m told.

So, here is me closing the door… and moving on.

Licks!

WTF was I thinking?????

I’ve had the debate many times…
The first time I was 19 and it wasn’t a common practice but my lover at the time swore up and down that I would before too long.

I laughed at him.

I’m really a no-muss no-fuss kind of girl.

Although I’m not reconsidering my stance after (ahem) a decade or two, I’ve finally come across a lover who would prefer a less furry look.

Yes – I’m talking about my bush.

Every lover in the past either hadn’t commented or preferred me al natural. The preferred group felt that stripping off the hair would make me look pre-pubescent and they were into women not girls. (Oh, how that line was music to my ears.)

But this one, this lover, made a snide comment about the fur.

Ouch!

So I did something I haven’t done in years, I shaped it a little… Holy Hell!!! I have been itching and uncomfortable ever since. The blunt ends of my curls rubbing unpleasantly against some of the most sensitive skin I’ve got. A constant brush of sandpaper no matter what I ware or how I sit.

I’ve done bits before and the grow-out is a bitch.

I think “tough shit” is the line I’ll be taking this weekend. Having a lover may inspire me to many things but in the end I don’t do any of it for them – I do it for me.

My body is mine, inside, outside, and in-between – take it or leave it…

Licks!

Greetings from Purgatory

Hello all!

I’m not really in purgatory, but it feels that way some times. What I’m really doing is writing, writing, writing… oh, yes, and more writing.

My plan for the summer involves several novellas and a plethora of short stories…

I haven’t been writing here much due to the weight of writing that is weighing me down but also because of an occurrence.

I can be a tough broad when I need to be, and I’ve rarely been frightened. But something happened that scared me.

I’m not used to being scared.

It was one of those dating things… I met someone and it slipped out that I write erotica. Now I like the look of desire in a man’s eyes as much as the next woman. But I prefer the desire be about me and not whatever porn video is playing in their head.

We’d only spoken half a dozen words and suddenly I see that light go on. And what I saw in that light scared me to death. The tipping point where it stops being about sex and becomes about power. I’ve never been forced but my gut said that given any sign of weakness this man would have me stripped and up against the wall whether I was interested or not.

I know there are women out there that enjoy playing with that type of fire – but apparently I’m not one of them.

Yes, I write about sex.

But for me sex is a conduit for intimacy, personally sex for sex’s sake just doesn’t get me off. I exited the situation as best I could and as quickly as I could. A part of me feels like a coward and another is just grateful that I don’t have to see this man ever again.

I’m hoping my giving this to all of you out there will clear my mind and unblock my creativity where this blog is concerned.

Thanks for hearing my confession…

Licks!

Reports from the Dating Scene – Part I

Yes, I’m single.

Yes, I’ve decided to start dating again.

Yes, this is a painful process not for the faint of heart. But I’d like to have a lover again… soon.

A friend said to me that there was no good or bad in life, only good stories and bad stories. The problem is that bad dates make better story fodder.

Take my first week of online dating.

My profile is a bit on the vague side – less information fewer assumptions and more mystery don’t you know. But I received an email from a cowboy who had decided that we were “searching for the same qualities” in a life partner. Since I state that I’m not looking for the love of my life where did he find this information I wonder.

I shouldn’t be cruel.

Dating is hard. Connecting with someone is fraught with dangerous pitfalls and ego damage. Dating is more like jumping from a plane without a parachute.

So why am I committing suicide?

Probably for the same reason everyone else is. They are looking for a connection, if only briefly to another human being.

Which brings us to the next trend I’m seeing.

The week starts out light and then as the weekend approaches the frequency of emails jumps but if I don’t commit to a date – coffee, dinner, drinks – by Friday afternoon I rarely hear from them again. So…are they looking for a date or a one-night-stand?

Mmmm…. Me thinks they have sex on their mind.

This is what occurred in week one – we will see what happens in week two.

I’d say “wish me luck,” but I’m not yet convinced I want to get lucky.

Licks!

Mourning the Loss of the Strong Silent Type

I went out last night.

I went out like I do, dressed up (okay this is Portland so it is a relative term), on my own happily wandering the bars and clubs of my favorite city.

It was a Monday night so the music was good but the pickings were slim. And once again I was picked up by that new flavor of man – the sensitive-new-age-guy. Okay I admit it, I live in Portland one expects to run up against them every once in awhile, but what happened to the strong silent type?

I want a manly man!

Okay, so I want a manly man who knows the word feelings but not all the words to the song. Please, you’ve only just met me spare me what your therapist said and a rundown of the latest self help book you are reading. Those are right up there with ranting about your ex and how she screwed you.

Maybe I’m not ready to date yet.

I just want someone to buy me a drink and talk about the weather, or sports I don’t follow, or whatever their passion of the moment is. So long as the topic is a thing and not a feeling. Hell – we can talk about sex just stick to the facts and don’t tell me how it felt.

Is there something about me that engenders these conversations?

Maybe I should ask my former lovers and find out if there is something I am doing, a vibe that I am throwing out there, that leads to these awkward conversations.

That is interesting… the conversations aren’t awkward. One of my greatest gifts, so I’ve been told, is acceptance. I accept everyone for who they are – no judgment. Maybe my own tolerance for the human condition leaves me vulnerable to these situations.

It’s a thought.

But… please could I get a mix from now on? I’ll take the sensitive ones if I can also talk to the other flavors as well.

I like variety after all.

Licks!

Life’s been Slow…

Life’s been slow as of late.

No dates, more writing than anything else, and I’m tamping down my sex drive as much as possible.

Which feels odd.

A few years ago I would have gone out, as a friend put it, hunting. I’d wander the streets of my favorite city looking for distraction and entertainment. I rarely brought anyone home but I did have a lot of adventures.

Yes… I did have a lot of fun.

I would find a bar and start asking questions about sex. Create a poll and then start asking everyone in the pub for their opinion. Too bad I wasn’t writing the blog – I would have published my data. Hmmm… maybe I should think I should do that again soon.

Or, I would find someone who was here on business and offer to show them the town. From good restaurants, dive bars, to our strip clubs.

Or, if I was feeling really frisky I would find somewhere to behave badly and then go home alone.

But life’s been slow.

I’ve been writing and all of the good sex I’m having is in only in my head. Once this story is completed I promise I will go out and find food for the column… in till then I’ll find some flash fiction for you to read until I am out of my cave and back in the world.

Licks!

Emma’s Dating Wants & Don't Wants

Plenty of fish in the sea!

So, I’m back on the dating scene and it seemed a good idea to spend a moment remembering some of the guidlines I’ve come up with over the years. Some are my own invention others I’ve borrowed.

Now I can’t be the only person out there with a Want/Don’t Want list. We all have our image of an ideal partner. Be that drawn sharply or more of a water color. We each have it and pick our partners from it.

Here are some of the things that top my Want/Don’t Want list for 2010.

The Wants!

• I am drawn to ambition and that internal fire. Ambitious people know what they want and they know how to get it. So sexy!
• Healthy lifestyle! Please, you can’t expect me to work this hard to stay gorgeous and fit and expect not to want that in return. Plus exercise is an aphrodisiac like nothing else on the planet.
• Comfortable in their own skin. Nothing is more of a turn on than someone who is grounded in themselves who is not self-conscious and does not worry about what others think.
• I don’t share well so serial-monogamy is the preferred pattern.
• Someone with a sex-drive!!!!!

The Don’t Wants!

• No smoking (except the occasional cigar – I miss them so I can’t very well deny others the pleasure) and no recreational drugs.
• The overly sensitive – those that live by their emotions – need not apply. A little pragmatism goes a long way…
• No players! It is a front anyway an idea of how one should behave that suits very few. No one is amazing, beautiful, or sexy enough to share.
• And my personal little hang-up…. No serious gamers of any stripe. Sorry mates! Old story but I have yet to have a relationship with a gamer that didn’t put their passion above me. Now I’m probably willing to be proved wrong… but it will take some serious convincing.
• No one who doesn’t love sex!

I think that covers the basics. There are others and over the course of the coming months I’m sure that I’ll be reminded of them.

What about you? What are your Wants/Don’t Wants?

Licks!

Emma’s New Year’s Goals

I don’t make resolutions, I make goals!

Resolutions are about changing something. I want to achieve something so therefore I make goals.

As the old year gave up the ghost and the New Year was born I remained single, no one to kiss at the stroke of midnight, no one to cuddle up with during the long winter nights.

So, to date or not to date?

Last year brought me some delightful lovers and I have no doubt that this year will bring just as many, if not more. However they will be taking second place, because, after all, my main goal this year is to write.

Write a lot!

Write about sex, love, desire, satisfaction, lust, masturbation, bondage, kinks, fetishes…. Write about anything and everything that comes to mind.

Sometime this month my blog will move to her new home. That is a major goal. Moving it to a place where we have more scope for discussion and more scope to work with. You will be seeing more short fiction and reviews.

If you have any ideas, anything you’d like to see, like to read, let me know.

This is going to be one hell of a year…

Licks!

Emma’s Dating Disasters…

Remember how I mentioned that my friends like to out me as an erotica writer…So, I’m at a party and there is this delectably lovely man that interests me. Sexy, confident, successful, and fit. He has dark hair and even darker eyes and I notice that he is covertly following me as I make my way through the party. I’m talking, laughing, and sneaking glances his way and am in the process of deciding if he is just a casual admirer of my outfit or if he is interested in more. I find the hostess, my oldest and dearest friend, do some fishing to vet his creds and then move in. But then my friend opens her mouth and this is what comes out….

“Hi, have you met Emma yet? She writes erotica.”

And then the fun begins.

First off, it is such a surprising statement even in my oversexed city that there is always interest. Second, the interest isn’t always good.

Since I’ve started researching sex and writing erotica while still dating I’ve found the following reactions.

1. Voracious Interest. But this interest comes with an assumption that I am much more adventurous than I truly am – especially with strangers. I can talk about anything – I don’t judge – and I’m truly intrigued. But what I know, what I’ve seen, and what I’m willing to do either in public or private has nothing to do with what I write.

2. Interested Apprehension. This usually happens when I date someone. They have a certain amount of interest that is based more on what I write than who I am (I’m getting better at sussing this out thank god!) and things go the way they usually do. We end up in bed. But in that moment the interest turns to self consciousness and the encounter goes down the tubes. I have theories but I’ve never gotten anyone to tell me what is going on in their heads so they remain theories. They range from – we just talked about all these weird things, does she want me to do them? Will she be judging me? Am I as good, worse, better, than the other sex she’s had? Oh, god! am I going to end up in her next story?

3. Horrific Fascination! This is always a fun one. They run. They run so fast that you have no choice but to let them go. An absolutely beautiful man was trying to connect with me at the gym – for weeks. When we finally spoke he asked me what I did and that was the last time we conversed. The next time I saw him he wouldn’t even meet my eyes. Oh well, his loss.

Those are the main ones. They keep replaying in my life like a broken record. But luckily sometimes you get interest that is really intellectual, and someone who is intrigued by some other aspect of me that draws them more than the erotica.

My friends still love to tell people what I do. They find the reactions amusing and illuminating. I guess I shouldn’t take their fun away but there are times when I feel like a chess piece being moved into a position of vulnerability just to see how the other side will respond.

And then every once in awhile I get introduced to someone and they’re job is more salacious than mine, this is Portland after all.

Licks!