If Masturbation is a Sin…

…I am so going to Hell!

This morning I woke with the most delicious fantasy in my head. Me, an old lover, some good music, and a lap dance that turned into a wild ride. Of course this then required a little assistance from the toys, which wait for just such occasions, in my bedside drawer.

It was a lovely way to wake up.

Sigh, these days it is my usual way of waking up.

Not having a lover means not being touched, kissed, fondled, held, licked… all things I miss so much. It also means no morning sex.

I do miss morning sex.

A former lover once asked how often I masturbate.

I thought deeply before I answered. Was this a trick question? Was he looking for a little titillation, imagining when and how I might masturbate, to spice up his days? Was he fishing for a better understanding of my sex drive worried that he wasn’t satisfying me, feeling that my desire for self-fulfillment might somehow be a comment on his abilities?

I took the middle road and averaged it explaining that it changed depending on if I was seeing him, writing erotica, or just having one of those days.

I haven’t had one of those days in awhile.

Those wonderful days where you wake with the itch just on the periphery of you vision. It grows as the day progresses and you feed it. Gently at first by how you walk, sit, and stand. You feed the thoughts that come keeping them fresh and alive in your head. Subtle changes occur. You are just slightly damp all day. Your voice takes on a richness that is usually reserved for the bedroom. In the end you are a walking erogenous zone. The slightest touch or shift of fabric makes you sigh with pleasure.

Walking through the halls you start looking at your coworkers in a new light. Wondering naughty thoughts and curious to know if they can sense your mood. You lick your lips when you shouldn’t wondering if the single guy down the hall would go for a quickie in the storage room but knowing that what you want is no quickie.

After all this, the teasing and fantasies, what you want is your lover and oodles of time. No rush. You want the burning feeling that tingles on the edge of your flesh to drop deep inside you, where only he can touch. You want to explore the chair, the table, the couch, the floor and maybe later… the bed. To be taken every way you ever have before and to try a few new things….

Yes, that is what you want after a day that starts with an itch and ends by burning through you until there is nothing left.

Mmmm…those are good days.

Licks!

Oh my, What Not To Do…

…the first time you have sex with someone. (Warning – this is a bit of a rant)

I was dishing it with the girls again and I have to say what were we thinking? Hell, what were you thinking?

I know that there can be angst around the first time you have sex with someone even if it is a one night stand. But really now – everyone get a grip.

First off –

Sex should be fun and not riddled with angst and insecurity. If someone likes you enough to get naked with you assume that they want to be with you. Step into the moment and enjoy – leave the baggage at the door.

Second – talk!

Decide the rules beforehand.

Which means – what flavor of safe-sex are you going to have and is there anything that is completely off limits.

If you’ve been flirting for weeks you may have a pretty good idea what turns your partner on – but depending on what you want (i.e. if you want the possibility of something more long term) let things unfold at a rate that is comfortable for both parties.

And more talking...

Let things unfold – some of us prefer to get to know someone before being bound, having oral or anal sex. Don’t push. If you are meeting for something specific – a fetish or a specific flavor of sex – talk about boundaries and expectations before you get started (yes I said that before but it is worth repeating!).

Communication is the key – although notice I say communication not stage direction. We are not dolls so don’t tell anyone what to do and where to go. Talk to us – we’ll talk to you. We’ll tell you what feels good, what we enjoy and you can tell us. This way each of us can work our way through our desires and boundaries.

If you find something nice about your partner – say it. You like the feel of their skin, or the way their nipples wink at you, or the taste of them. Everyone likes complements that are sincere – so when the thought comes express it.

Next step – listen!

Listen to the change in breathing, for catch in their breath, what makes them moan, purr, or cry out. Check in to see if they are reacting to pain or pleasure – or a bit of both. If they tell you something listen, be sweet about it, be considerate, be there and nowhere else.

And save the experiments for someone you know.

I would have had a much better week, several years ago, if the man I had sex with had asked me if I’d like a regular condom or one with “warming pleasure”. I would have opted out of the lovely warm sensations that made for the most uncomfortable sex I’ve ever had. Let alone the rash that took days to heal and itched like a bitch.

It is a common myth that everyone is have more – (choose your word here) better, kinkier, outrageous, orgasmic – sex than you are. If you are thinking about that, worrying about that, I doubt very much that you are really paying attention.

When you are having great sex – you are with your partner and there is nothing else in the world that exists.

Grab the moment – talk, listen, and enjoy!

Licks!

Sex in the Afternoon

Sunday morning I got a visit from my lover at 8 am. We crawled back into bed and spent a glorious morning exploring each other. This morning as I lay in bed with my coffee I remembered when I was living with a man and we got into a bad habit.

Sex always came at the end of the evening. We were both night owls so our evenings ended in the wee hours of the morning. As you can imagine the sex itself became very perfunctory – often we were too tired for anything else.

From midnight on all I really want to do is go to sleep. Granted, curling up with my lover is the best kind of sleep. And there is value to sleepy sex. The slow almost dream like sex you have when you are both aroused but tired from a good day. It unfolds gradually and never goes anywhere but has a satisfaction all its own.

A diet of too much of the same thing makes Emma a dull girl.

I remember trying to break the habit but it was strong and we never changed. It was one of the reasons our liaison ended. Our sexual life had become stale.

That was what I was thinking about this morning. How much I enjoy the unexpected in a lover and the value of changing times, places, and positions. The more variety the more we have to explore. And I for one, value that highly. I also value the joy of learning someone. Taking the time to get to know their body and for them to know mine finding new places, movements, sensations to exploit. When it is a mutual exploration it is a wondrous thing.

But I think we sometimes forget the value of time.

A quickie is fun and definitely adds spice but there is something sublime about the different hours of the day. Sex first thing – when you are just waking up. Sex later in the morning after you’ve showered and dressed for the day. A nooner – meeting for an illicit tryst. Sex in the afternoon – on a Saturday after teasing each other while running errands or coming home early from work just to be together. The random middle of the night wakeup call when you wake to your lover’s touch.

There are so many possibilities.

As the sun arcs through the sky and the moon follows. Bodies at rest and motion collide in different patters – none of them the same – like snowflakes – unique and ephemeral.

Licks!

What is good sex?

I’ve been thinking about that since last night as I struggled over an orgasm passage in a new story. I couldn’t seem to get it right – the words, feelings, movements of my characters were escaping me. Fractured moments would find their way on the page, phrases, words, but that isn’t usually the best writing – the best writing flows… kind of like the best sex.

There are so many different flavors of sex –

And there are so many sexual things that I’m not convinced are sex. It’s like I need another category for them or maybe sex is the broad net and I need to define the pieces. More questions than answers… but we were talking about flavors of sex.

As I’ve been exploring the different flavors – kind of like being at Baskin-Robbins except there are more than 31 – I’ve discovered that my definition of sex has expanded as has my personal repertoire. And I’ve been having better sex. But am I having better sex because I’m more adventurous, found better partners, or…something else? Is variety the spice of life?

If you type in “types of sex” into Google you will even get lists, pages and pages of them… 

• The Frisky has 24 Types of Sex including one-night-stands, pity sex, and morning sex.
• Ask Men has the 6 Types of Sex Women Enjoy Including Seductive Sex, Romantic Sex, Animalistic Sex, and Kinky Sex.
• NYNerd lists 7 Types of Sex including Smurf Sex – “having sex until you are both blue in the face”.
• Cambridge University Students’ Union has different types of sex listed and even includes the risks to your health. The first type is “Touching, holding & kissing” the last is Fisting.

I could go on for pages… but I won’t because none of these lists do anything for me. They are describing types, acts, circumstances but not what is good.

Now I admit – what is good is often based on who, with what, where, and why. For Example: Prof. Plum, with the vibrator, in the Library, because I could *grin*. So as I was sweating the details of my literary orgasm last night I started to wonder…what, for me, defined good sex? So I came up with my own list…

First and foremost – I’ll be focusing on you so you damn well better be focusing on me! That means be present and in the moment. I won’t do you while you are watching porn. (Just a personal issue – if you are having sex with me then I better be the most important thing in the room.)

Second – Don’t be apologetic or worried that you should have spent more time at the gym – If you got into my bed then I like you the way you are. So strip off those clothes and get in here with me.

Third – Have fun! I really mean that. Sex is more fun when you are having fun. Have a sense of humor – see the silly side of things – when you get right down to it sex if rather ludicrous. I put what where? And it does what to you? I mean think about it.

The fourth rule is something I’ve added just for myself – enjoy the magic. Sometimes you meet someone and the chemistry is… well… Wow! Enjoy it, bask in it, and let it pull you where ever it takes you. Chemistry like that is a gift from the gods. Simply thank them and curl back up with your lover.

So… those are my thoughts… what are yours? What is the best sex you’ve ever had and why was it the best? Something made that moment magical… what was it?

Licks!